Phone Madness

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. - Lily Tomlin

We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company. - Lily Tomlin

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. - Lily Tomlin

English Roses - In Situ

For a moment there, I thought I'd landed in Lily Tomlin Land, and that I'd hear that very funny Tomlin line, "One Ringy-Dingy, Two Ringy-Dingy.

But no, I was just dialing England.

Upon dialing the number, the normal, the expected thing happens. "Ring,  Ring-ring. Ring-ring."

And then,

"Your party knows that you are calling."

[pause]

"Your party is aware that you are calling."

What am I meant to do? Hold? Have a cup of of tea?

I hold.

And then, "Welcome to BT Answer 123, The person you have called is on the phone" !!!! As if I didn't know that? But at least, a couple of verbose sentences later,  I get the "Leave a Message" beep.  By which time of course, I have forgotten who I am calling.

Oh,  that's right. It was my friend, "The Wife of Bath" aka  Madge. We are trying to plan a trip to Ireland together.  What are its chances?

I say this as I did eventually get on to Madge. "Hey, just call someone else after I hang up," I say. "I want to write down exactly what your crazy phone company messages are saying. - I want to put it in my blog."

"You don't want to talk to me?" she asks wistfully. "Yes, yes," I say in my impatient New York voice. "But after I want to write down what happens when I call you, while you are on the line to another person."

[Silence]

"You want me to call someone else?" she wonders out loud. "That's correct!" I snap.

I can hear her looking through her contact list. Picking and choosing. "No, not my sister -in-law ..." she is mumbling. And then, "I can't really call Australia." ...

"You could try the phone company I suggest." But too late. She'd found a suitable candidate. "Quick," she tells me, "I found a number. Hang up!!!"

I do. And then I call her back. Pen and paper in hand.

"Thank you for calling UK Answer 123," I hear. What happened to the bit about my party being aware and so on?

Nope, almost straight to the "beep".

That was seven hours ago. I've been trying to call her ever since.

Hmmmmm ....

What are the chances of that Ireland trip?